that I’ll end up 40 and single and never get to have a family and kiddos; and while I’m not ready for the kiddos yet, I was meant to be a mom. Being a mom will be my greatest feat.

When my dad makes comments to my brother and I about grand-kids, my heart just moans with worry and sadness. Even though he’s joking, kinda.

Between dating and not?

I’m struggling with whether the fact I want to date, formally, is some kind of girl notion and has more to do with “relationship rules” than just having fun getting to know and enjoy someone.

The flip side? I’m doubting that he wants to formally date me. Maybe this casual thing is super great for him because he gets the female company he misses.

I’ve been clear that I won’t be a booty call. Do I need to be clear that I won’t be a snuggle buddy either? Or a weeknight dinner/tv partner? How much do I have to spell out to an adult man who knows these things?

I’m tired of sad puppies. I totally understand but I’m tired. I’m ready for happy puppies.

IDEA: I’m going to make a very colorful, arty sign for my apartment door with Cinco in mind particularlybut for all guys in general saying, “No Sad Puppy Zone. If You Have Major Ex Hangups, Wrong Girl, Wrong Door”.

In good news I think, I was terrified that M would come to town for the World Series games and call me and I’d have to decide what to do and regardless of my choice it would feel terrible. If he came, he didn’t call so I don’t think he came. And I have mixed feelings about it. Maybe I was kinda hopeful? And that’s the worst part but he didn’t so distaster avoided.

He showed up at 2am drunk again this weekend. I slept on my own couch most of the night. I teased/not really that he was only there for my sweet ass the next morning and warned I wouldn’t answer the door unless he showed up for my other less bumpy qualities. I was disappointed.

He cooked us dinner tonight in his apartment. Like, “I’m going to now impress you with my ability to kill meat and cook food” dinner, there was no boxed mac and cheese anywhere to be seen.

I fell asleep in his arms and completely slept through the eighth inning (thank you early bedtime).

He didn’t do anything horrible to cause the break-up, she left him, she wasn’t happy. I was terrified he’d cheated or something equally horrible that would scare me off.

I smell so good from sleeping against him for a couple hours and I’m spending the rest of the night in my bed.

Not so disappointed anymore.

But this time a lot less drunk and a lot more interested in the fact that I bumbled out of bed in a sleepy daze to answer the door pant-less.

Oh, Cinco, what am I to do with you?

I feel a major crush coming on.

I had an odd weekend with Cinco to say the least.

Friday night: He goes to the Cards game, I say call me after, I’ll come hang out. INSTEAD I get a 4 am wake-up 2 calls with a message and a very drunk voice telling me he’s bringing me breakfast and will knock on my door until I answer. True to his word, Cinco shows up 20 minutes later with eggs Benedict and biscuits and gravy. He’s black-out drunk, I put him on the couch and snuggle for a couple hours then move on to my bed.

It felt SO good to sleep next to someone who wanted to sleep close. His sleep patterns are from someone else’s habits, I know, but god did it feel good.

Saturday morning he hangs for a bit, definitely wasn’t sure where he was when he woke up but was cute. Tells me to swing by his kickball game that day since I’ll be close.

I swing by, say hi, don’t hear from him after until a drunk pocket dial at 1am. Weekend ends. Bummer.

I got a text today before lunch, would I be around tonight? Sure I say. So it seems that this means we have plans but I need to do the inviting in Cinco world. He comes up, we have fun, I thought.

I got 2 church kisses before he left. Improvement.

My thoughts:
1. Why am I setting myself up for sad puppy again? I just did this and I’m still paying for it. The last bought definitely hurt worse than I’d like to admit.
2. This taking it super slow and getting to know each other is actually really kind of nice.
3. Maybe I’m just female companionship replacing what he just lost.

I’m waiting for the invite to his place, and maybe some tongue, to decide which.